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Protecting Children from the Negative Impact of Divorce

The partners live together, have children and thus contribute to the perpetuation of human society. Marriage is much more than merely living together, actually. The partners are expected to support each other emotionally, share their resources, put a system in place for domestic division of labour (like the husband would earn while the wife would tend to the children) and generally stick to each other while facing life’s ups and downs.

Often, things do not work out as planned. The two partners may not have matching personalities. They may get bored with each other or want to broaden their horizons by having extramarital affairs. One spouse may not be able to fulfil the expectations of the other. Not able to earn enough to have a decent lifestyle causes dissatisfaction. There may be emotional or physical abuse involved in the relationship. One partner may be a control freak and try to dominate others and make their life hell. Any of these things can result in divorce once a partner says “enough is enough” and decides to go separate ways.

Divorce has many negative consequences for the family, but nowhere do they have a more devastating effect than on children. They and the adults view the world in fundamentally different ways. While adults have maturity and experience behind them, children are vulnerable, innocent and soft. Something that may appear a minor irritant to the adults may have a drastic impact on the psychological health of the children.

Children take a split in the family very badly. While for adults, marriage may be a mere convenient arrangement that can be discarded if it does not meet their expectations or they get bored, for children it is their entire universe. They cannot dream of an existence outside of the family. They know if they are left alone or abandoned by parents, they will not be able to survive. It is this insecurity that gnaws at them when they realise the family is going to split.

Children develop many psychological problems due to the divorce of parents. They undergo a lot of stress and anxiety. They need someone to blame as to why their parents are splitting and they end up blaming themselves. “It is our fault. We couldn’t make our parents love us enough. We were not worthy of their expectations, that is why they are leaving us,” is the thought uppermost in their minds. This guilt complex corrodes their fragile personalities and they often develop self-loathing.

Children of divorced families start lagging behind in school. They become introverts and have few friends. Some take to drugs or small crime. Basically, their whole life goes into turmoil. The emotional wounds inflicted at such a tender age do not end immediately. They last for a long time and affect their performance as adults.

Seeing their parents divorce, they are unable to establish permanent relationships later in their own lives. For most children, their parents – or at least one of them – are a role model. Children from divorced families are denied this luxury as well as adult supervision that were their due from their parents.

What can the parents do to minimise the effects of divorce on children? For a start, they should try to ensure that the life of children continues without much change. Though the children will move in and most probably stay their mother after divorce, she should not move residence so far that the children are forced to change school. Staying in the same or nearby locality has the benefit of not disrupting the social lives of children, as they retain the same friends and personal network.

The parent who moved away should continue to adopt the same mentoring role in the life of the children as they used to do earlier. There should be enough home visits and they should regularly take the children for a weekend outing. The parents should take interest in their studies and visit their school so that children have a feeling of “life as usual.”

The most important thing is not to allow a guilt complex to grow in the children. Both the parents should have a heart-to-heart talk with them and acquaint them about the reasons for their divorce, taking care to take all the blame on themselves.

Also, they should not badmouth each other in front of the children but be civil to each other and put their best foot forward. In extreme cases, appropriate professional support and counselling may be required to ensure that the children emerge out of the trauma unscathed.

Article Source: Free Content Articles Directory

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. For more information on getting a Divorce see www.quickie-divorce.com

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